... or at least that level of purgatory in Dante's Inferno that was set aside for liars and cheats. Maybe... maybe not. Not really sure yet.
So, me and my girlfriend had broken up last Wednesday. I knew it was coming because I got drunk in preparation for it. That was pretty funny actually, saying at the bar, "I'm about to break up with my girlfriend in two hours, so gimme a pitcher".
After we broke up, I started planning out what I was going to do with my life, getting prepped to move back in with my parents, and start the healing/moving on process. Then, something random happened. My ex decided that she wanted to work things out, and then said that we should get back together. My sis did say that I would find a way of patching things up, but even then, it was still kinda surprising. Since last week, she has seemed to put more effort into the relationship, which is a good thing, but at the same time, I'm cautious because I don't know how long this new found effort will last and she'll go back to her old ways. I don't know, so I'm not even sure if I'm even putting my all into it yet.
Here is some of the things that bother me right now:
1) prior to the break up, she always kept saying that she didn't have time for me, or have any energy to be with me. Now, all of a sudden, she's "found" more time and energy to spend on me. I just think its weird.
... you know, prior to writing this blog, there were a few things I could think of, but right now... they aren't coming to mind, so I'll just add them later.
Yesterday (again, a Wednesday) I went to my late night history class at Grossmont and I hung out with my "Wednesday" girl thats there. I found it funny because I called her about my break up with my gf, and then she broke up with her bf a few days after me. Coincidence, huh. As me and her chatted over dinner, we talked about the things that went wrong with our relationships, but mostly she was looking for advice. The best I could tell her was "find yourself, and when you're ready, add someone into your life. Slowly." We had a really nice talk that night for about two hours, and I gave her a good night kiss and we went on our ways.
Ok, so the purgatory part is this: I failed to mention that me and my gf had gotten back together. Why? Because I feel like, if I find something in this girl, maybe, just maybe, she'd be worth the risk. I'm not sure yet. I know its wrong, I really do, and I don't want to feel like I'm just taking advantage of a girl thats vulnerable. Thats why I said that she needs to take some time to find herself. At least that way, I can get to know her better, and see how things proceed from there.
The other purgatory part is: I'm probably starting to have feelings for her. Well, maybe thats not so bad. People are allowed to have feelings, whether good or bad, it doesn't matter. Everyone feels. The problem is when you decide to act on those feelings. I can like any and every girl I meet, but if I keep that shit to myself and don't do anything, then I'm not doing anything bad. It's when I decide to act on my feelings is when I'm letting my soul slip deeper and deeper into purgatory.
Why purgatory... because Dante's poem is awesome. So awesome in fact, I'mma go check that book out and probably read it again.
Anyways, I'm not really sure why I'm doing what I'm doing. Maybe I'm tired of the wishy-washyness of my gf and am looking for something more stable. Maybe I'm just plain and simply wrong, and I'm doomed. I don't know anymore.
[me] <--- desperately seeking happiness
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